Wednesday, May 13, 2009

I can't cook

The problem with these recipe things, is that they're written for people who cook. Yeah, shocking. 

But what about the poor fool who ventures into that strange room with the food box and pointy things twice a year so as to participate in the holiday revelry?

I made three things. Go me. The problem was that I was under the misguided assumption that all recipes follow this set of rules:

1. gather ingredients.

2. measure ingredients.

3. dump all measured ingredients into a bowl.

4. take nearest implement and beat said items into a mushy submission.

5. Put mush into container.

6. Shove container into hot box for x period of time.

7. Remove tasty dessert.

BUT NOOOO. There are STEPS involved. Some of which should be considered fine print, as some of the ingredients listed are for a TOPPING, rather than the original item.

Why don't they say that at the top of the page? How difficult is it to make a separate header?

The SO worked in a resteraunt. He knows these things. Apparently, though, it is much more fun to watch me make a mess and then swear like a sailor.

The first was an oatmeal cookie event, which would have worked my way(eventually). I had dumped all things but the oats and raisins. When he saw me measuring oats - 'I don't think you want to do that yet.'

'But they go in.'

'After you mix the other stuff.'


'It's easier that way.'

Ok. That goes rather smoothly. The raw cookie measuring part is another issue altogether. I hate the feel of goo on my hands. But raw cookie likes spoons far more than it likes plopping nicely into little lumps on the sheet. By trying to avoid touching the nasty stuff, it ends up on my hands, on my shirt, pants, face, and in my hair(I still don't know how that happened). Also(according to SO) putting big lumps close together results in one big cookie.

At this point, one big cookie sounds fine. So he rescues the remaining dough and expertly spoons it in uniform piles on the tray. 


Then, we do a low sugar deal for my diabetic grandmother. I dump everything in, but end up with leftover cherry pie filling goo. (Which looks a whole lot like bloody eyeballs floating in ichor - but that's for another time).

Mr. Culinary re reads the recipe. Not only was the goo supposed to be on top of this thing, the pan needs to be greased. But it's a non stick pan. Doesn't matter, says I. This is not the case, either. So he dumps the batter back into the bowl, cleans the pan, and greases it. Saved again.

It turned out fine, just had more cherry than the original recipe. Nobody seemed to mind.

The last was purely dumb on my part. Chocolate cake. With lots of booze in it. There is no bad - unless you forget what you were doing before you answered the phone, and put double the butter in.

This makes crater like pools of lava hot butter that need to be drained out of said cake(twice).

I also added booze to MY taste, rather than that teetotaling recipe writer.

It tastes great, but don't leave it near a lit match.


  1. This post made my laugh. I can just see you now with the intestines of cookies splattered across your shirt. The smoldering simulacrum of a cake being viewed through the windowed oven like the on-lookers at an execution. You, and your elfin stature, wielding a wooden spoon and casting from the book of 'Cooking.'

  2. :) Luckily, I was saved from the daemons of the ninth level of Recipe by a knight in powdered armor.