Saturday, April 28, 2012

Best Spam Ever


So Tupac is totally offering complimentary psychic readings.  This is the only part of the picture that would copy from the email.

Boyfriend gets the most awesome spam.  He tells me that Tupac is offering free psychic readings - which is especially cool because he's like dead and stuff, so he'd TOTALLY have the DL on that whole afterlife connection thing. Right?

And the first one is FREE  - I'm not sure how that works.  What sort of currency do the dead use, anyway? The email was pretty vague on the details.  Like vampires would probably take blood, zombies brains, but the message was very unclear about what souls would use.

Me:  OMG - we can finally find out who really shot Biggie Smalls!

Boyfriend: ...

Me: You should do it! It's like one free question.  And look at the little glowing souls in black misty tulips! That's how you know it's totally legit.

Boyfriend: Except it's not really Tupac.

Me: (looking over) Wait.  That's a white dude.  With a beard.

Boyfriend: And he spells his name with a 'k'.

Me: I bet he's not really dead.

Boyfriend: Probably not.

Me:  He probably never rapped a day in his life.

Boyfriend: (Who is now playing video games and pretty much ignoring me.) 'Hmmm?'

Me:  I bet this is a total rip off.  Even for free.  I was totally going to pay in blood or fingernails or whatever it is that souls use as currency, but I think this guy is alive.  That's not interesting at all.

Then I asked him to forward the spam so I could share it.  I never get cool spam like this.  Lots of stuff for longer erections and a bigger penis.  Sometimes I reply.  According to Boyfriend, I have really big balls anyway, and don't really need help getting them any bigger.

What I don't have is the direct line to the soul of Tupac.  Blast you, spam.  Denied again.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Everyone say hi to Soccoro!

Hi, new buddy!  I wanted to PM you a welcome, but failed miserably.

Either I'm just missing some key element of this friend connect window, or computers are mass conspiring against me in order to make me feel like a complete dolt.

I'm pretty sure mine gives me the raspberry every time my back is turned.  So hey there, welcome to my irreverent, often silly, occasionally (hopefully) educational little corner of cyberspace.  There's virtual cake, please help yourself.

I hope you enjoy your visit!

Monday, April 2, 2012

Lighting basics #1

So, I made the first in (hopefully) a series of tutorials about the basics of lighting and photography/video.  Now, I'm stumped on what to do next.  There are too many options.  So I'm asking you guys - what should be next?

What I learned from playing Skyrim

It's easy to rule the world when everyone else is too lazy.

Your character is the obligatory 'chosen one', wandering around, saving the universe, blah blah blah.  Upon reaching each new location, talking to the NPC (non player characters, for those who don't game) open up all kinds of new quests.  Some are exploration, some to find a mythical item, the usual.

So you tromp out to the far reaches of the known world in search of whatever it was for whoever needs it, and it occurred to me - any one of these characters could go out and do the same thing, find their own damn missing harp/shield/cereal bowl, and gain the powers and riches associated with whatever it is.

So why don't they?

Most of the characters have a pretty believable backstory, so they own a business/have a family/new obligations so they can't go gallivanting all over creation.  But others?  The only good reason I can see that they haven't gone off to find item x their damn selves, is that they're just too lazy.

Kinda reminds me of real life.  'I would/could do x, but I have (insert excuse here).'

Travelling merchants are often idiots.  

Wander around enough, and you'll find tons of destroyed carts and dead people near giants' lairs, in underground tunnels full of monsters - and an obligatory diary saying basically, 'we thought this would be a shortcut'.

Life lesson:  that 'shortcut' might not be such a good idea.

Vacation spots are not always as described in the brochure.

Likewise, you can find families and adventurers dead at the mouths of caves and stuff, with the convenient diary hinting at what you're in for.

One such place was marked on my map as 'Bottomless Pit of Shadows'.  There were (gasp!) monsters inside.

What were they thinking!?

All I can imagine is this couple in Essex:

'Ooh, 'Enry!' (Yes, I'm picturing one of the Pythons in drag.) 'Look what just came in the post! 'Miserable Pit of Unrelenting Doom!'

Noncommittal grunting, from the late middle aged man reading his paper in a horridly upholstered easy chair.

'Doesn't that just sound lovely?  'Aving a special right now!  Two for one 'oliday package, free hour in the torture room/spa!'


'We haven't gone on 'oliday since 'Mount Decrepit of Insuffrable Damnation' with Alice and Roger.  Remember those slide shows?  A pity about the Ice Toothed Hellhound, though...'


The other one was a great piece of storytelling, and pretty heart wrenching.  (Spoilers!)

There's a lighthouse that looks like the wrong side of a Saw movie inside.  When you follow the story, a family moved there, only to be kidnapped and butchered by the monsters in the basement.

Life lessons:  Names mean something, and always get a neutral party to appraise real estate.

There is one other smart adventurer in the whole game.  He has no name, and you meet him once.

I can't remember the name of the place I found him.  He greets you near the entrance to yet another cave and says something to the effect:

'Watch out, dude.  I'm a pretty hardcore adventurer, but it's harsh in there.  I can take spiders like the best of em, but FIRE BREATHING spiders?  Screw that, I'm out.'

life lesson:  Forewarned is forearmed.  Don't ignore good advice.  Or be ready to stick your head in a bucket when a spider sets it on fire.