Saturday, February 13, 2010

What I learned from Eli -WARNING SPOILERS

Yeah, I didn't love the movie, but it'll be a great party/popcorn rental to laugh at. For those frightening people who claim to have learned something from this 'deep' and 'thoughtful' film, I figured I'd make a list of things that I learned from this film:

1. Kmart has some amazing martial arts classes.

2.Memorizing the Bible turns you into a ninja.

3. Gas masks are only needed in forests, then disappear after that.

4. Cats are evil. I'm not sure how or why, they just are.

5. If you're a hot girl, you get coated in teflon. (That's the only explanation I can give of how she can wander the desert and remain shower fresh.)

6. After the apocalypse, the first thing people will do is find and burn all copies of the Bible. Somehow. I wonder if they started with every hotel version of Gideon's?

7. Burning this book takes precedence over finding food and shelter, apparently.

8. Evil overlords NEED a bible to control their minions, even though they seem to be doing just fine beforehand.

9. The great nuclear flash blinded everyone who was alive at the time. Except when it didn't.

10. Saying grace in front of an illiterate with no knowledge of God will immediately infuse them with awe and faith.

11. Blind people are crack shots.

12. While water is rare and precious, gasoline is common and readily available.

13. Bullets only hurt if they hit you in the stomach.

14. Ipods run perfectly 30 years after the end of the world.

15. Need an arsenal? Look no further than a couch! (Actually, this bit was pretty cool.)

16. Armored cars cannot overtake two people on foot.

17. Driving at night somehow makes you even refuse to do it.

18. Girls without a clue somehow become uber assassins when it's convenient.

19. When the entire world is rubble, only Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge will remain.

20. Women are generally useless.

21. When rowing a boat, bullet wounds in the stomach are only mildly annoying.

22. Everyone in the future will be issued a pair of designer sunglasses.

23. Post apocalyptic futures are yellowish green.

24. Girls can magic through locked doors.

25. A hand written bible is about 25,000 bigger than the braille version.


  1. It's a MOVIE
    meant to entertain.
    It must have done it's job,you wrote this whole thing about it ,that must have kept you entertained for at least 10 minutes.

  2. You nailed it. Eli was like a church sermon, except with guns and Gary. When I see Mr. Oldman next, I'm going to kick him in the scroat for doing this dumb movie.