The paragraph:
Above the towering Oakenwood trees an early winter storm raged. A light dusting of snow and sleet filtered through the late autumn foliage. Nathin had ridden through snow storms before, but something about this storm bothered him.
A stronger gust of wind rattled the tree limbs above him. A clump of snow landed a few paces from where he lay. He opened his eyes and sat up, drawing his sleeping furs with him.
Nothing moved beyond the light his small campfire provided. No leering eyes or sinister movement in the underbrush. Perhaps he was just overly tired from his long journey home. Even his mount Dusty showed no signs of concern.
Additional moments of quiet observation passed before he lay back down, drawing his sleeping furs about him to recapture the warmth.
No more than a dozen flickers of the candle passed before a fragile beckon of power touched him. He was sure it was not his imagination this time.
He bolted from his furs and held his staff before him, whispering a minor word of power, “leoht.”
My thoughts and inserts, for whatever he takes from them:
Above the towering Oakenwood trees an early winter storm raged.
(My first 'meh' is right here - this opener feels like the fantasy version of 'a dark and stormy night'. Fantasy and horror are 'my' genres, in that they're what I write, and primarily what I read, so I'm going to be a lot harder on these sorts of pieces. What the capitalized 'Oakenwood' does do for us, is reveals the genre right off the bat - I'd be very surprised if this weren't sword and sorcery in a medieval flavored setting.)
A light dusting of snow and sleet filtered through the late autumn foliage.
(A light dusting from a raging storm? Contradictory, and we're not really getting any new information, save that these large oaks still have leaves in late autumn. Not very interesting.)
Nathin had ridden through snow storms before, but something about this storm bothered him.
(Grrrr. Okay, here's what's making me nuts. This is total tell, rather than show. If there were some action or insight from Nathin's point of view directly afterward, it would be more forgivable. As is, I'm bored within three sentences. I don't really know anything interesting about Nathin from this, and that's really what stories are about - characters.)
A stronger gust of wind rattled the tree limbs above him.
(Wait - a perfect set up to talk about the character, what he thinks is weird about the storm, and we're right back into that setup? Argh. Your reader wants to know about the character, not that a winter storm has wind. They KNOW that. And stronger than what? We haven't had any previous gusts of wind to compare it to. Unless this snow is technicolor, get to the story.)
A clump of snow landed a few paces from where he lay. He opened his eyes and sat up, drawing his sleeping furs with him.
(I'm having a bit of a logic disconnect here - highly suspect snowstorm, and our character was asleep? Don't get me wrong, characters need to sleep. But you can start a narrative anywhere - and the writer chooses to start with the character waking up? This isn't the best idea for any genre, and tends to be a trope of new writers who aren't quite sure where they're going in a narrative sense. I've seen it done well, in a WIP from someone where the world built was so unique that the act of waking and having breakfast was interesting. The average world building isn't so involved - and this isn't interesting.)
Nothing moved beyond the light his small campfire provided. No leering eyes or sinister movement in the underbrush.
(This is trying to set some tension - the problem is that there isn't any. And the world building before isn't evocative enough to be drawn into the scene on the strength of that alone, so we have two more sentences of nothing going on.
I keep thinking of Robert Frosts' 'Passing by Woods on a Snowy Evening', and comparing that set of visuals to this.)
Perhaps he was just overly tired from his long journey home.
(The writer needs some 'show' in the worst way. We're told this guy is tired - well, he did just wake up after all. Give the reader something to grab onto, to identify with. Most people in the modern age have been tired, and have been on long journeys. Show us some aching muscles, grainy eyes, muddled thoughts - anything. Or ignore the issue and get to some action. Ever had that bone-tired black sleep with glued-shut eyes that you were tempted to destroy whomever woke you up from - especially without coffee? Ever been so tired that you see ghosts and shadows that aren't really there? Or even those little sparkles at the corner of your eyes? I bet you have. Showing is about making the reader feel what the character feels. I'm not connecting with this guy, the setting, or his situation - and there's nothing going on.)
Even his mount Dusty showed no signs of concern.
(I'm gonna say it - showshowshowshowshowshowshowshowshowshowshow! Without being given a description of Dusty, the brain is going to think 'horse'. The writer can change that if needed, which is a different issue all together. The real issue here, is the 'show' again. Animals have more developed senses than we do, so show the reader what the horsey is or isn't doing - is it sleeping? Digging through the snow for grass? How do we know that the horse isn't worried about anything?)
Additional moments of quiet observation passed before he lay back down, drawing his sleeping furs about him to recapture the warmth.
(Wait? He's gone back to sleep? After being woken by who knows what on a long, tiring journey? ARGH. HE WENT BACK TO SLEEP? BORING. And we know nothing new about this character, except that he hasn't actually done much wilderness traveling, particularly in bad weather. One, he appears to just be camping on the side of the road in a snowstorm. Two, that warmth is quick to leave and slow to arrive - you either get up, or there's little short of a nuclear explosion that's going to get you into the cold.)
No more than a dozen flickers of the candle passed before a fragile beckon of power touched him.
(Candle? What candle? Who has a campfire and a candle? What traveler is going to waste candle wax, tallow, whatever, when there's a frigging campfire next to them? What candle is going to sit there flickering in a snowstorm with huge gusts of wind? Not to mention, the character was just touched by an adverb. We're almost at the bottom of the page before anything of interest happens.- far too little, far too late.)
He was sure it was not his imagination this time.
(I didn't realize he was he'd been wondering, but at this point, I don't care.)
He bolted from his furs and held his staff before him, whispering a minor word of power, “leoht.”
(Too late, I've passed.)
If this submission had appeared in the early 1980's, it would have had a better chance - the passive style was still running though submissions, and there wasn't as much fantasy to choose from. Currently it feels like a throwback, and there's just too much engaging and interesting fantasy out there for this to stand a ghost of a chance. The world and the plot could be the best thing since sliced bread, but the dated, flat method of storytelling has it dead in the water - this needs a serious rewrite and some study of the more modern methods of storytelling.
Best to Nick, and thank you for letting your hard work be used in this project!
This is fine writing, indeed. This strikes me as the sort of sage and hypnotic observation which once upon a time we'd have had to have waited for Mr Palomar to offer. I hope so - it may give me some blog topics for a while, in any case. If you get one, and feel like doing a guest blog, just let me know.
ReplyDeleteSure, I love doing guest blogs.
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