Theodore Kerns was sitting on the rack in the basement of his home at three a.m. and was puzzled how he'd gotten there. He remembered going to bed around midnight and had drifted off to sleep soon after turning off the light. He had no history of sleep walking, nor did he remember dreaming; which was a nice break, since the nightmares of his youth had returned. He didn't understand it, but he would take walking in his sleep over nightmares any day of the week. He glanced around the room at all of the other devices of torture and smiled. Perhaps his mind knew where he truly felt more comfortable.
Ready? Here we go:
Theodore Kerns was sitting on the rack in the basement of his home at three a.m. and was puzzled how he'd gotten there.
(Run on sentence - c'mon kids. One subject, one predicate. This could easily be broken into two, and with a fairly decent first hook.
Additionally, I want a little bit more about the 'rack'. It could be a bookshelf, tool table, or medieval torture device. Perhaps a more succinct word is in order.)
He remembered going to bed around midnight and had drifted off to sleep soon after turning off the light.
(This again heads into the realm of 'too much information in one sentence'. It makes the sentence feel rushed and stumble. Plus, there's a dearth of 'telling' here with no show.)
He had no history of sleep walking, nor did he remember dreaming; which was a nice break, since the nightmares of his youth had returned.
(I think this was meant to feel ominous or provide some foreshadowing - it does neither. The first half is fine. The second comes off as forced and silly. What does 'nightmares of his youth' mean? Yeah, bad dreams - but we have no sense of scale. Plus, what tends to frighten a child would not concern an adult. Without a visual aid (i.e. some 'show') the reader has nothing to relate to.)
He didn't understand it, but he would take walking in his sleep over nightmares any day of the week.
(I don't understand the allure of yellow tights and red shoes either. The 'it' in a sentence tends to refer to the last noun in the preceding one, so whether the writer intends it or not, this sentence is talking about nightmares, not sleepwalking.
Also, unless these nightmares are humdingers (which haven't been shared, so we don't know) sleepwalking is NOT preferable, so it doesn't make sense. Sleepwalking is attributed to doing things like falling down the stairs, urinating in closets rather than restrooms, wandering all sorts of unpleasant places in pj's. When wakened, the sleepwalker is at the least disoriented, and sometimes in a state of panic. So no, this doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense.)
He glanced around the room at all of the other devices of torture and smiled.
(Ok, it IS a torture device. That really would have helped show a bit of the character in the first few sentences if we knew that. Telling the reader now is too late.)
Perhaps his mind knew where he truly felt more comfortable.
(He's more comfortable wandering around unconscious than dreaming, for some reason. Maybe he likes being tortured? Or collects historical objects?)
This is really vague and not very compelling.
What I'm seeing a lot of, is writers afraid to 'give too much away' in the beginning, hoping to draw a reader in with questions. The problem arises when the reader isn't presented enough information to be interested in the first place.
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